I’ve had memories of childhood sexual abuse since it happened around 10 years old. He was a neighbor. I babysat for his children. I remembered being molested or touched inappropriately. I didn’t tell anyone at the time, I was afraid and I think ashamed. When I tried to tell my Mom at 17 years old the memory I had, she didn’t believe me.
I went on with this memory as my “childhood trauma history” until I was 38 years old. Not understanding why it was impacting me that much. There were other events or contributing factors such as having a parent that was ill and another that was depressed, had parents who got divorced, and felt unprotected. I found out later about ACE Scores and how all these things were impacting me.
Then there were a few events that lined up “perfectly” and started a snowball effect in me that has not stopped in over 2 years. First, a level three sex offender moved into our very small town less than half a mile from my sons school. Second, my special needs son was assigned a male aide in the classroom that was going to help him with self-care activities. Third, I had a patient come into see me that had a similar name as a boyfriend that was abusive.
All of a sudden, my world came crashing in and I felt unsafe all the time. I couldn’t sleep and was pacing at night for hours. I started having flashbacks of memories that didn’t make sense to me but physically felt real to me. I came to realize that neighbor didn’t molest me but had raped me. I had blocked out that memory and many others…