It was like a skein of yarn that didn’t have an end. The memories started coming, one after another. Many of them without clarity. They would start like one of the old Polaroids, where everything starts off fuzzy without clear borders and slowly the picture fills in and the image becomes crisp. Each memory would begin like that.
It was confusing and debilitating at times. My sleep fell apart due to flashbacks and nightmares. It would take me hours to fall asleep and I would wake up numerous times throughout the night. I couldn’t eat and started vomiting. Physically I was barely keeping it together.
Emotionally, I didn’t understand how I could have forgotten such horror. I started processing that there were numerous perpetrators in my abuse history and that due to my memory loss around my abuse and just as part of the abuse cycle I had returned back to those perpetrators to be hurt again. This a reality that I have not been able to come to terms with yet.
Mentally, I had to keep pushing through. I had kids to take care off, a job to go to and a life to pretend was put together. Pretending is a tool that I have used since I was little to keep the illusion that everything is under control. This unraveling has taken away that illusion and that sense of safety I get with that illusion.